5 things that will keep your man happy.

1. Let them play video games:

I am horrible at this. It's not that I don't want him to play the video games, it's more that I hate the ones he wants to play. The games my husband likes to play are difficult. You have to use all the buttons, move your head, neck, walk, and shoot all at the same time. They are hard to follow and they make my head hurt. Now if my loving hubby wants to play games that I can press the buttons really fast and still win, we will be in business. But for all you girls out there who want a happy significant other, LET THEM PLAY. Try stealing their wallet and going shopping while they are playing. They will never notice.

2. Cook good food.

This one came easy to me. I'm a thick girl raised in the south. I've been cooking since I could stand. For some of you ladies though, this is a huge problem. It is true what they say, the way to a mans heart is through the stomach. Sometimes I think Allen likes eating more than he likes me. I mean we can be in the middle of a huge fight, haven't spoken in days, sleeping in the doghouse kinda thing, and if I start cooking my famous fried cabbage he will come over and give me a kiss. I then smack him with the spatula (don't do this- it doesn't make your man happy). Don't judge, I said we were fighting during this remember. :)

There is no fight that could last through this

3. Take up for him- No matter what!

If your man comes home and he is upset and having a bad day, pet his ego. Give him the idea that he hasn't done anything wrong and you love him no matter what (even if he is VERY wrong).
Just for example say your man walks through the door and his raving mad and telling you how his boss yelled at him. This is what you do.

1. Call him/her a bitch
2. Say you are getting in the car and you are going to beat his/her ass (he won't really let you do it- he needs that job).
3. Refer to rule number 1- turn on his xbox and tell him to unwind.
4. Get naked
5. put on apron- JUST APRON: remember you just got naked.
6. Refer to rule number 2- Cook him dinner.

that should take care of that problem. The next day every time he sees his boss he will think about what you did the night before and he wont be worried about that raging bitch. Although if he starts coming home bitching about his boss everyday you might have to give it a rest.

4. Do things with him that he likes.

I tend to be a little selfish in this area. My husband Allen is obsessed with fishing. I on the other hand would rather base jump off a 100 story building than sit around with a stick and a string in the water. however a few times a year you will find me shore side with my husband. Unhappy as hell.

Here is a picture of me fishing with my husband. In this picture I actually look happy. Maybe I was drunk. I'm sure I was.

Add caption

~THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE~

5. SEX

Like Nike said "just do it." Do it all the time, in the morning before work, on your lunch break, at night, in the car, and any time the feeling strikes. It can save your life. It's good for your heart. So like cheerios get your daily recommended serving.

xoxo,

Badasshousewife

Damn you Job Search: UPDATE

UPDATE:

The gods of blogging are looking out for me. I am going to start ranting about everything that is bad in my life and see how it gets worked out.

Today after I got in the car I noticed I had a voicemail. Guess who it was. It was Katie. The absolutely lovely lady who interviewed me on Tuesday. I called her back and this is how the conversation went.

Katie: Brittany I just wanted to tell you there was a miscommunication and we have a position open for you

Me: Really?

Katie: Yes, I was very impressed with you the other day in our interview. This is a formal offer for employment. Will you accept?

Me: Of course. Thank you so much!

We talked for a little bit longer and she gave me some details about what's next.


The update is BADASSHOUSEWIFE has a freakin job. HELL YEAH!!!!

Damn You Job Search!

If you have ever read my blog before you know this bad ASS house wife doesn't really want to be a housewife at all. I want a job. I am from a family where the women are like warriors. We are the ones who do it all. We can keep a house, cook a hell of a meal, work full time, and give you the best sex you have ever had. (I mean I'm the best I've ever had). So for me not to be working and making an income is very difficult for me. It just doesn't mix well with my DNA.

On Monday I got a wonderful break in the job hunt. This nice lady calls and tells me she just received my resume and she MUST meet with me immediately. We scheduled an interview for the next morning. I was beyond thrilled and celebrated the rest of the day by drinking!

I know what you are thinking. You think this story is going to be about how I got super drunk, passed out, and either missed the interview or made a fool out of myself. YOU ARE WRONG MY FRIEND. I must have left out the part about how I can also hold my alcohol.

Lately because of my "lack of a job" I have been enjoying sleeping in. So before I went to bed I set three different alarms (I REALLY WANT A JOB). I woke up, curled my hair, dressed up like a respectable business woman, and showed up to my interview fifteen minutes early like I should. This had to have been the best interview I've ever had. I was shooting perfect responses like a rat in the interrogation room. At one point I was sure this lady was going to lean across the table and start kissing me she liked me so much. I left the interview and was absolutely on cloud nine. She told me they planned to make a decision the following day and they would call everyone to let them know.

TWO hours later I wake up from a nap. I told you I'm used to sleeping in. I check my email and I have an email from the lady who interviewed me. I wish I could remember her name so I could include it in this rant! The email starts by thanking me for my time then goes on to tell me they chose a more qualified candidate for the position. I think you all need a little more background information:

1. I have worked in a bank for the past two years.
2. I have handled millions in cash.
3. My resume is beautiful.
4. I have 3 years of sales experience.
5. The position that I was turned down for was a retail position where I would probably spend most of my time working a cash register and folding sweaters.

In other words, the fact that they tell me there is someone out there who is more qualified makes me want to slit my wrist and end it all now. Unless there is someone out there who won a sweater folding contest I just don't believe that lady!

I think it's time to go back to college!

High Finds: Coolest Kid EVER!!!!

Okay... Today has been very eventful. Started my new profession as a part time children's photographer. It's Great!!!

I decided to go see my BFF Krystalyn ( you remember the HOT ONE!) and we were surfing youtube and happen to find this great lil kid. He is my hero and my future daughter better save hersef for him.

ENJOY!

5 things that made me neglect my blog this week. :)

Hello loyal followers. Most people seem to think that bloggers are people who sit in front of their computer all day long. We don't have lives, jobs, or really anything other than  our blogs going on in our lives. I'm not going to pretend I've been doing something amazing with my time like saving small children from house fires. But I would just like to take you on a little tour of my past week.

SOME NAMES AND LOCATIONS HAVE BEEN CHANGED FOR THE SAFETY OF THE PARTIES INVOLVED. :)

First off I was driving down the road and I passed these two awesome guys... OF COURSE I had to turn around follow them to the grocery store and convince them to let me take a picture. I have boobs so that wasn't too hard. I mean they put a lot of work in to this awesome REDNECKONWHEELS mobile, and this kind of stuff needs to be appreciated.

Check out this coolness!

As we all know from my previous posts, I am currently unemployed. This doesn't mean I don't WORK!! Right now I have two part-time gigs going. I work for this awesome guy (We can call him BIG TONY) a few days a week when he has stuff to do. This job is different from anything I've done before. Reason: I DON'T REALLY DO MUCH OF ANYTHING. I feel very underutilized when I'm spending hours in an empty mattress store. Lets just say I am a hell of a layer these days. I can lay down with the best of em'. I also play xbox, read, listen to music, and stalk all my wonderful friends on facebook.  If this isn't the american dream I don't know what is.

Working hard for the Money!

The second place I get underutilized frequently is my grandmother's office. Lets get this straight. I am a smart girl. When it comes to numbers, business, phones, and pretty much anything that involves an office environment, I GOT IT! Unfortunately for me, my grandmother thinks that I can't do anything but answer phones and make labels. On the other hand, I get paid well to do a minimal amount of work, so who am I to be complaining. When I got to the office today, I was half asleep, (which I fixed later with an on the clock nap) I sat down at my desk and this is what I saw. I found myself feeling very sorry for this guy. His parents must have hated him. Which in turn made me feel better about my iffy parents. I then took a picture and attached it to a text message that I sent to all my closest friends. Everyone deserves a good laugh first thing in the morning. This doesn't make me a bad person.

Sorry Dick Tucker

Please see the Cheerios in the window.

I would now like to apologise to everyone because I failed you all. I stumbled upon something that would have made this post so epic. I couldn't get the shot. I followed this lady down hwy 25 for thirty minutes. She knew I was following her because once I passed her and looked inside her vehicle I immediately slammed on the breaks and began to follow closely behind to get a good picture. This is an example of a terrible time to be riding solo. If someone would have been in the passenger seat of my car I would have gotten the shot and all of you would be laughing so hard the dry cleaning industry would have a huge boom tomorrow from all the pissy pants. But I failed you. I did try though,

Now I want everyone to put on their glasses and look hard at this horrible failure of a picture. The funny part about this post was going to be the awesome picture with the caption

 "Hoarding: Buried Alive- GOES MOBILE."

this lady had so much stuff in her car it was in her lap. It was up to her shoulders... I know what you are thinking. Badasshousewife is making this up. She is exaggerating. NO! I have never seen anything like it before. She had it all: Food, Clothes, Toys, Small Asian children. It was crazy. Like a really bad car accident that you just can't look away from. If I ever see her again I will not stop following her until I get the shot for you! This is my promise to you!

The last thing I was doing is fighting with the hubbs... If you aren't married you just don't understand the time this can take. That is all.

XoXo
badasshousewife

Word of the week: Wantacy

This is where the blog takes a turn for the naughty! Everyone has some type of fantasy, or fetish. Some people like feet, some people like to sniff other peoples underwear, some people like to play dress-up. Whatever you like, whatever you want, it is your idea of what gets you HOT! It's all about what you WANT. So me and my buddy Mr. Sam White were talking over a few beers and decided it is stupid to call it a fantasy. It should be called a wantacy.

So what is your wantacy?

I might be a sick freak, maybe it's because I spent two years working in a bank, or maybe it's because I've seen way too many sexy heist movies, but my wantacy is a hostage situation. They even made a movie about my wantacy. "The Town" with Ben Affleck, you might have seen it.  I am working with my attorneys to work up a settlement for my part of the movie proceeds. :)
In my wantacy a sexy, funny, and deep down softie comes in to a bank robs it and takes the sexiest teller hostage (ME- DUHHH) :). The rest is private, you understand!

Here is some quality wiki-info to explain my wantacy.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stockholm_syndrome


If you are reading this and you aren't a punk, you will post your wantacy below. :)