Well it has been far to long to say the least. I know you people have just been sitting in front of your computer screens waiting for me to post a blog for months. :)
I would like everyone to come up with some new names for me seeing how you cannot be a badass housewife when you are going through a divorce/separation. I won't go in to detail but obviously my last blog post about how to keep your man happy is a crock of shit. DON'T READ IT!! and DON'T DO WHAT I SAID TO DO. :) I will hopefully be updating often, but as you can see I have the attention span of a cat with ADD so don't hold your breath.
IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO MY BLOG PLEASE CHECK OUT OLDER POSTS!!!
Here is some shit to make you laugh while I update you on my life, seeing how that is the purpose of my blog.
I can think of one person I could see in this.
For the longest time, as you all know I was looking for a job... I found one... IT SUCKED!
I am however, working in banking again... SO I MAKE IT RAIN!
In other news, before my husband and I decided to separate, I got knocked up....
I joke ( but I'm very happy about it) It should make for good blogging.
Also, seeing how I am no longer the second person in a group of two... I have had to adjust my zombie apocalypse plan accordingly. I am taking applications for someone to watch my back... Kinda like the game "ARMY OF TWO"
I am horrible at this. It's not that I don't want him to play the video games, it's more that I hate the ones he wants to play. The games my husband likes to play are difficult. You have to use all the buttons, move your head, neck, walk, and shoot all at the same time. They are hard to follow and they make my head hurt. Now if my loving hubby wants to play games that I can press the buttons really fast and still win, we will be in business. But for all you girls out there who want a happy significant other, LET THEM PLAY. Try stealing their wallet and going shopping while they are playing. They will never notice.
2. Cook good food.
This one came easy to me. I'm a thick girl raised in the south. I've been cooking since I could stand. For some of you ladies though, this is a huge problem. It is true what they say, the way to a mans heart is through the stomach. Sometimes I think Allen likes eating more than he likes me. I mean we can be in the middle of a huge fight, haven't spoken in days, sleeping in the doghouse kinda thing, and if I start cooking my famous fried cabbage he will come over and give me a kiss. I then smack him with the spatula (don't do this- it doesn't make your man happy). Don't judge, I said we were fighting during this remember. :)
There is no fight that could last through this
3. Take up for him- No matter what!
If your man comes home and he is upset and having a bad day, pet his ego. Give him the idea that he hasn't done anything wrong and you love him no matter what (even if he is VERY wrong).
Just for example say your man walks through the door and his raving mad and telling you how his boss yelled at him. This is what you do.
1. Call him/her a bitch
2. Say you are getting in the car and you are going to beat his/her ass (he won't really let you do it- he needs that job).
3. Refer to rule number 1- turn on his xbox and tell him to unwind.
4. Get naked
5. put on apron- JUST APRON: remember you just got naked.
6. Refer to rule number 2- Cook him dinner.
that should take care of that problem. The next day every time he sees his boss he will think about what you did the night before and he wont be worried about that raging bitch. Although if he starts coming home bitching about his boss everyday you might have to give it a rest.
4. Do things with him that he likes.
I tend to be a little selfish in this area. My husband Allen is obsessed with fishing. I on the other hand would rather base jump off a 100 story building than sit around with a stick and a string in the water. however a few times a year you will find me shore side with my husband. Unhappy as hell.
Here is a picture of me fishing with my husband. In this picture I actually look happy. Maybe I was drunk. I'm sure I was.
Add caption
~THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE~
5. SEX
Like Nike said "just do it." Do it all the time, in the morning before work, on your lunch break, at night, in the car, and any time the feeling strikes. It can save your life. It's good for your heart. So like cheerios get your daily recommended serving.
The gods of blogging are looking out for me. I am going to start ranting about everything that is bad in my life and see how it gets worked out.
Today after I got in the car I noticed I had a voicemail. Guess who it was. It was Katie. The absolutely lovely lady who interviewed me on Tuesday. I called her back and this is how the conversation went.
Katie: Brittany I just wanted to tell you there was a miscommunication and we have a position open for you
Me: Really?
Katie: Yes, I was very impressed with you the other day in our interview. This is a formal offer for employment. Will you accept?
Me: Of course. Thank you so much!
We talked for a little bit longer and she gave me some details about what's next.
The update is BADASSHOUSEWIFE has a freakin job. HELL YEAH!!!!
If you have ever read my blog before you know this bad ASS house wife doesn't really want to be a housewife at all. I want a job. I am from a family where the women are like warriors. We are the ones who do it all. We can keep a house, cook a hell of a meal, work full time, and give you the best sex you have ever had. (I mean I'm the best I've ever had). So for me not to be working and making an income is very difficult for me. It just doesn't mix well with my DNA.
On Monday I got a wonderful break in the job hunt. This nice lady calls and tells me she just received my resume and she MUST meet with me immediately. We scheduled an interview for the next morning. I was beyond thrilled and celebrated the rest of the day by drinking!
I know what you are thinking. You think this story is going to be about how I got super drunk, passed out, and either missed the interview or made a fool out of myself. YOU ARE WRONG MY FRIEND. I must have left out the part about how I can also hold my alcohol.
Lately because of my "lack of a job" I have been enjoying sleeping in. So before I went to bed I set three different alarms (I REALLY WANT A JOB). I woke up, curled my hair, dressed up like a respectable business woman, and showed up to my interview fifteen minutes early like I should. This had to have been the best interview I've ever had. I was shooting perfect responses like a rat in the interrogation room. At one point I was sure this lady was going to lean across the table and start kissing me she liked me so much. I left the interview and was absolutely on cloud nine. She told me they planned to make a decision the following day and they would call everyone to let them know.
TWO hours later I wake up from a nap. I told you I'm used to sleeping in. I check my email and I have an email from the lady who interviewed me. I wish I could remember her name so I could include it in this rant! The email starts by thanking me for my time then goes on to tell me they chose a more qualified candidate for the position. I think you all need a little more background information:
1. I have worked in a bank for the past two years.
2. I have handled millions in cash.
3. My resume is beautiful.
4. I have 3 years of sales experience.
5. The position that I was turned down for was a retail position where I would probably spend most of my time working a cash register and folding sweaters.
In other words, the fact that they tell me there is someone out there who is more qualified makes me want to slit my wrist and end it all now. Unless there is someone out there who won a sweater folding contest I just don't believe that lady!
Okay... Today has been very eventful. Started my new profession as a part time children's photographer. It's Great!!!
I decided to go see my BFF Krystalyn ( you remember the HOT ONE!) and we were surfing youtube and happen to find this great lil kid. He is my hero and my future daughter better save hersef for him.
Hello loyal followers. Most people seem to think that bloggers are people who sit in front of their computer all day long. We don't have lives, jobs, or really anything other than our blogs going on in our lives. I'm not going to pretend I've been doing something amazing with my time like saving small children from house fires. But I would just like to take you on a little tour of my past week.
SOME NAMES AND LOCATIONS HAVE BEEN CHANGED FOR THE SAFETY OF THE PARTIES INVOLVED. :)
First off I was driving down the road and I passed these two awesome guys... OF COURSE I had to turn around follow them to the grocery store and convince them to let me take a picture. I have boobs so that wasn't too hard. I mean they put a lot of work in to this awesome REDNECKONWHEELS mobile, and this kind of stuff needs to be appreciated.
Check out this coolness!
As we all know from my previous posts, I am currently unemployed. This doesn't mean I don't WORK!! Right now I have two part-time gigs going. I work for this awesome guy (We can call him BIG TONY) a few days a week when he has stuff to do. This job is different from anything I've done before. Reason: I DON'T REALLY DO MUCH OF ANYTHING. I feel very underutilized when I'm spending hours in an empty mattress store. Lets just say I am a hell of a layer these days. I can lay down with the best of em'. I also play xbox, read, listen to music, and stalk all my wonderful friends on facebook. If this isn't the american dream I don't know what is.
Working hard for the Money!
The second place I get underutilized frequently is my grandmother's office. Lets get this straight. I am a smart girl. When it comes to numbers, business, phones, and pretty much anything that involves an office environment, I GOT IT! Unfortunately for me, my grandmother thinks that I can't do anything but answer phones and make labels. On the other hand, I get paid well to do a minimal amount of work, so who am I to be complaining. When I got to the office today, I was half asleep, (which I fixed later with an on the clock nap) I sat down at my desk and this is what I saw. I found myself feeling very sorry for this guy. His parents must have hated him. Which in turn made me feel better about my iffy parents. I then took a picture and attached it to a text message that I sent to all my closest friends. Everyone deserves a good laugh first thing in the morning. This doesn't make me a bad person.
Sorry Dick Tucker
Please see the Cheerios in the window.
I would now like to apologise to everyone because I failed you all. I stumbled upon something that would have made this post so epic. I couldn't get the shot. I followed this lady down hwy 25 for thirty minutes. She knew I was following her because once I passed her and looked inside her vehicle I immediately slammed on the breaks and began to follow closely behind to get a good picture. This is an example of a terrible time to be riding solo. If someone would have been in the passenger seat of my car I would have gotten the shot and all of you would be laughing so hard the dry cleaning industry would have a huge boom tomorrow from all the pissy pants. But I failed you. I did try though,
Now I want everyone to put on their glasses and look hard at this horrible failure of a picture. The funny part about this post was going to be the awesome picture with the caption
"Hoarding: Buried Alive- GOES MOBILE."
this lady had so much stuff in her car it was in her lap. It was up to her shoulders... I know what you are thinking. Badasshousewife is making this up. She is exaggerating. NO! I have never seen anything like it before. She had it all: Food, Clothes, Toys, Small Asian children. It was crazy. Like a really bad car accident that you just can't look away from. If I ever see her again I will not stop following her until I get the shot for you! This is my promise to you!
The last thing I was doing is fighting with the hubbs... If you aren't married you just don't understand the time this can take. That is all.
This is where the blog takes a turn for the naughty! Everyone has some type of fantasy, or fetish. Some people like feet, some people like to sniff other peoples underwear, some people like to play dress-up. Whatever you like, whatever you want, it is your idea of what gets you HOT! It's all about what you WANT. So me and my buddy Mr. Sam White were talking over a few beers and decided it is stupid to call it a fantasy. It should be called a wantacy.
So what is your wantacy?
I might be a sick freak, maybe it's because I spent two years working in a bank, or maybe it's because I've seen way too many sexy heist movies, but my wantacy is a hostage situation. They even made a movie about my wantacy. "The Town" with Ben Affleck, you might have seen it. I am working with my attorneys to work up a settlement for my part of the movie proceeds. :)
In my wantacy a sexy, funny, and deep down softie comes in to a bank robs it and takes the sexiest teller hostage (ME- DUHHH) :). The rest is private, you understand!
I am an admitted Rob Dyrdek superfan. Everyone has their thing. Ya know? Well the other night I was over at a friends house watching an episode of fantasy factory. In this particular episode Rob's little cousin had gotten dumped by his girl friend. Rob diagnosed him with a broken heart, then proceeded to try to cure him for the rest of the episode. When nothing seemed to help Rob decided it would be a good idea to take Drama to see a professional healer.
Introducing Braco- Professional Gazer
Now don't you just feel like you have been healed?
NO? What? Are you doubting the powers of Braco?
Braco is a self proclaimed healer who has taken bullshit to a whole new level. We all know about the crazy pastors who scream and shout and faint and heal crippled people with a single touch. We all know they are full of shit. Well Braco has decided to slap all of us in the face and not only claim he can heal people, but he doesn't even have to say anything or touch you. This man can simply stare out in to a crowd of people and heal them all at one time.
Not only are people who are going to see this fool, but they are paying. We all know Badasshousewife is looking for a job..... I think I just found one. Introducing Brittany- Healing Gazer!
For 8 dollars you and ten thousand of your dumbest friends can come let me stare at you.
I feel so stupid for being broke, when I can get idiots all around the world to pay me to do nothing.
We all see them. Infomercials that suck us in and make us think that life could be so much easier for the low price of $9.99. Too bad that isn't true at all. First lets take a look at how miserable we all are without our AS SEEN ON TV gadgets.
Introducing the Broccoli Wad. I think the video does the explaining for me.
Really? I am speechless
Next up is the BIG TOP DONUT! Just what we need in America a way to make a huge donut.
I'm sure the majority of people who buy this at any random moment are 1. either going through a terrible break up or 2. training for some type of eating contest. This is just a little over the top, even for me. I mean I'm a chunky chick, but even I think this is crazy.
If this next invention isn't the face of lazy I don't know what is. If you people are too lazy to turn your fat asses to get out of your car you don't deserve to drive anymore. This is crazy!!!
Okay now the last one I have for you is special to me. It is called the Xpress Ready Set Go! Sounds wonderful doesn't it? Me and this little machine go way back. One Sunday, not too long ago, I spent 2 hours watching the infomercial for this product. I was convinced this bad boy was going to solve all my problems in the kitchen. My husband Allen came home, I made him watch the entire thing with me again. I had him convinced that I would cook him the most delicious meals with it. We were all set to order when my gold for brains husband decided it was smart to check out some customer reviews before we made the call. After spending another full hour of laughing and reading how these bad boys are known for blowing up, melting, and burning every type of food you put in them, we saved our hard earned money and moved on. Damn that sweet old fat lady who made me think I could cook like her.
As you may know Christmas is right around the corner. For most of us this means we will be Christmas shopping, scraping together every extra penny we have, and hoping someone doesn't get pissed because we could only afford to make cookies for everyone as presents. But there is a select few in the world who don't have to worry about those things. When this time of year comes they have their pad and pen handy and they are ready to put together their annual Christmas letter. I HAVE A HUGE PROBLEM WITH THESE LETTERS. These letters are just another way for people who are stuck on themselves to put the rest of us in our place. I mean why not just get a facebook and we could see what you are doing a little bit at a time. It's like an atom bomb of PERFECT when we get your letter in the mail. I'm sure if we really know you and care about you at all, we already know what has happened in your life.
I even read one of these letters where the lady who wrote it pretended that the letter was written by SANTA about her and her wonderful family. That right there shows she is ashamed to let everyone know she is so self absorbed that she writes a full page every year about how great her life is.
I mean I could could write one of these letters and send it out if I wanted to... I think it would go something like this:
Dear Family & Friends,
Well this year has been a doozie. It started off great and took and trip south very quickly. Unfortunately that is the only trip me and the husband have taken this year because we are so broke we can't leave the city. Allen and I finally tied the knot after five long years of dating. Yes it was a joyful occasion. There is nothing like an outdoor wedding after a torrential rain storm. For all of those who made it to the wedding, we are sorry if your shoes or clothes were ruined by the sopping wet grass.
Allen and I also bought a house this year. I guess it kinda goes along with getting married huh? With all of the bullshit advice all you people have given us in the past twenty years you would think one of you would have told us never to buy a house in a subdivision. Not only do all of our neighbors hate us because we are under the age of 65, but they go out of their way to find things to call the association about. You would think older folks would love to see a young couple moving up in the world and doing good, but no. They are all mad because the houses they bought five years ago are worth half now and they live next to two punk kids who fight about everything from who's going to walk the dog, to who drank the last beer. I think they might be warming up to us. ;)
Allen's job is going great and we hope and pray he can keep it because I quit my job like an idiot to go work for my wonderful, loving mother, and my awesome step-dad. Unfortunate for our checkbook that only lasted two months. So if any of you know of a job opening please write back.
The rest of the year has been fun-filled. Mom got married for the fourth time, Dad finally found a real job, and little cousin Jon Jon got stabbed four times.
Merry Christmas and GOD BLESS
Sincerely,
BADASSHOUSEWIFE
If any of you reading this write one of these letters every year. Please do not be offended. Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one or knows someone who has one.
Today we will be taking a look at the life and DRAMA of the Jersey Shore cast, the toll it is taking on America, and whether or not we should have this show forever banned and the cast sent to a remote island to live out the rest of their orange pointless lives.
Please don't get me wrong. I watch this show. At one point I might have even gone to the gym to sit on the bike to watch it because I didn't have cable and I JUST COULDN'T MISS IT!
On the other hand now that I am at the grown-up age of 21 years. I feel like this show might be ruining our youth. ;)
Lets go through each cast member and list the issues at hand.
Snookie (of course we will start with the most damaged and popular)
1. Obvious drinking problem!
2. I was so excited to see a thick girl on the first season. finally!!! Unfortunately half way through the season she told us about her eating disorder and as you can see the media has helped her keep that one going. UGH!
3. Snookie Doesn't respect herself- BAD IMAGE FOR YOUNG GIRLS!
This isn't snookie- Just someone inspired to look and act like she does. SEE THE PROBLEM?
RON
1. There is something involving chemicals meant for cattle here. This guy is so juiced up he can't hold his arms by his side anymore. This isn't attractive! If however you are attracted to this gentleman, you my friend have been fooled by the MTV network. RUN NOW while you still have a brain of your own.
2. He is abusive towards women. YEAH GUYS lets show our youth that they need to get all jacked up on steroids and beat their girl friends.
Which brings us to SAMMY- Sweetheart
1. Come on now Sam. You have been pushed around by this big douche for long enough. Stop following him around the club trying to talk to him... DON'T ANGER THE BEAST!
2. You are a genuinely pretty girl. Why on earth are you not trying to go to school, get a job, marry a man who isn't orange?
Example of Orange People.
DJ- Pauly D
1. Everything that needs to be said is in this video. At least the Gel brand "spiker" wont go out of business as long as this orange guy is still alive.
Mike- The Situation
1. First off wtf does any situation have to do with your six pack? Yeah it was funny the first couple times you said it on the FIRST EPISODE! We all thought you were kidding though. we didn't really think you walked around showing everyone your abs and screaming "the situation" like you have turrets syndrome.
2. You are a HUGE douche. I can tell you one thing. If I had cameras following me around everywhere I would at least try to act cooler. You are an actor. I hope MTV pays you extra to beat your own head into a wall and look like an idiot all the time.
3. Yes you are such a douche that you get a third bullet point. CONGRATS BUD!
Not only has MTV fallen for your shit but big names all across America are buying in to your bull. Dancing with the stars, workout videos, underwear ads, even Abercrombie and Fitch.
THIS GUY IS BAD FOR AMERICA- he is making our children stupid.... and orange.
J-WOW
1. Okay I must admit Jwow has cleaned up her act a little bit since the first season. Maybe she has real parents or a grandparent who watches the show or something, or maybe she just realizes that one day when this show is on NICK AT NIGHT and her little orange children are watching she doesn't want them to see that everyone in America has seen the vagina or CUCA (guido term for lady parts) that the they came out of.
2. Jwow keep up the good work. keep that thing covered and thank you for showing us there is hope for you orange people.
PS. Nice nose or chin job. Can't really figure out which it is.
DEENA
1. Where the hell did MTV find your ass? where did you come from. You have to be bad for ratings.
2. You are a complete hott mess. That is all
Finally- VINNY
1. I have nothing mean so say about this guy. He is cute. As long as he is a part of this horrible television disaster I will be watching.
There is no better way to explain to you the reason I am the way that I am then to show you the people that have molded me in to the awesome person that I am today ;)
Here is where I am supposed to insert all the wonderful things I have to say about these people.. haha NO!!
NOTE: I love all of these people (some because I have to). But I was put here to make you laugh not to tell you how much I love my family and friends.
First up is my Dad- RUSS
As you can see I am a full fledged Daddy's girl. Maybe it's because we have the same sense of humor or maybe because I can just be my crazy self around him. The important things you must know about my father are listed below.
1. As you can see he needs a surgeon to remove the beer can from his hand. To tell you the truth I don't think dad can get drunk anymore. I have known him for 21 years and either he has been wasted the entire time or he just doesn't get drunk no matter how many beers he has.
2. My father takes nothing serious....I MEAN NOTHING!
3. My father is an amazing photographer and videographer so he will be helping make movie magic for your entertainment.
The Husband- Allen
Okay... I have put this poor fella through Hell! Upon meeting this sexy piece of man candy I lied about my age. I waited until I knew I had him falling for me before I told him my real age. I guess I'm the type of girl who sees what she wants and makes shit happen. :) The good news is it worked and now we get to torture each other for the rest of our lives.... ;)
The Best Friend- Krystalyn
Now this is my partner in crime. We have been friends since we were 13 years old. I'm not sure if its the blonde hair or what but sometimes I think she hasn't aged a bit. Krystalyn cannot memorize words to songs. I don't even think she tries anymore. People let her get away with mumbling the words during the whole song like it doesn't ruin it. Well everyone but me. ;) I have been trying to help her out with this problem for years. We have tried lip syncing, listening to the song over and over again, even in slow-mo!! (I'll keep you updated on her progress.)
She is a trouble-maker
hell-raiser
and as loony as the rest of us... BUT ISN'T SHE HOTT!!!
Dani
Dani is a friend who is very close and we seem to lose touch every six months, but when we get back together it's like we pick up right where we left off. Doesn't she look sweet? Yeah.... she used to be sooo sweet. Until she met me. After I got my claws in to this one there was no more taking bullshit. She is one of my many Hell-Raising success stories. I'm sure you will see her again soon. (she has agreed to partake as a camera-woman in my upcoming video adventures.)
SAMMY
Sam is a hell of a guy. He is a gushy softy looking for true love and shit like that.
He is also one of the funniest guys I have ever met in my life. He will hopefully be a huge part of my blogging career. We have successfully mastered our zombie Apocalypse plan. (well Kinda) He should be a game tester for any Grand Theft Auto typed game, and although he says he is a chef the only thing he has ever cooked for me was a burnt cookie. I ate it though so I guess I can't really say anything bad about it.
Susan
This is my mother Susan. Doesn't she look vicious? That is all.....
As of today I am officially a blogger. Don't know exactly what that means. It could mean I have way too much time on my hands or maybe that I am a whiz kid with time management. We will leave that up in the air... don't need you people figuring me out on my first day. :)
So this is me... Brittany. Some of my friends call me Bdod. Which is awesome because all the cool kids have nick-names ya know! ;) But any who. I'm 21, married, and have no earthy idea what I am doing with my life. I am mouthy, headstrong, a little bit crazy, but deep down I'm a softy who just wants to help everyone.
Introductions are always so BORING! so moving on. Shall We?
This blog will soon be a video montage of the everyday rants and raves my friends and family keep telling me I should share with the world. I don't know if these people actually think I'm funny or if they just want me to post this crap for you to see so they won't have to listen anymore. Either way I am pretty stoked. Hopefully I can make you laugh or cry or feel some kind of emotion other than pure boredom. I will hopefully be doing some hilarious movie reviews, and facebook provoked rants that will do the job, and if all else fails I have some awesome friends who love to jump off of shit and video tape it for giggles. Who doesn't enjoy a FAIL moment?
